Resiliency

To be honest, I didn’t think I could make good on a Monday post today. These past few days, I’ve been feeling crushed under the weight of the pandemic; the national sudden and complicated reckoning with issues of race and inequality; still not felling “normal” well in our household; being physically separated from my family and loved ones; feeling disappointed in people, I could go on. It’s taken its toll on me for the past few months, but in the past few days, I was feeling anything but strong. But today I am trying. I’m sticking with a mindset that has sustained me for years, built into me at birth by generations before me that have endured their own share of hardships: we keep going. Maybe we run some days, walk others. Some days, we might crawl or have to be carried. But we keep going.

I know I won’t shake the weight entirely, there’s too much work to be done. But I’m hoping to shift it the weight to another shoulder today, give myself some sort of breather. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold, whether another weight will be added to the load, so I’m focusing on this moment, today. And I’m going.

Here are some things that have inspired me this morning and I want to share.

A Run. I went for a run this morning. I’m still feeling slow and my lungs aren’t what they used to be, but man does it feel good to pound the pavement. I used to be unable to run without music and now I’m the complete opposite. I want to hear myself breathing, I consider it a blessing. I want to hear my feet hit the ground, the birds singing, the wind rustling through the trees. My running has become a literal reminder to take things one step at a time. I look forward to the day when suddenly I’ve cobbled together the vigor to run longer distances.

“I Can’t Breath” by H.E.R. This song. Heartbreaking and beautiful. It sums up everything I’m feeling these days. I’d never heard of H.E.R. before my sister introduced me to her music and specifically this song. Give it a listen. Her voice is magic and every lyric speaks truth.

Farm eggs. We are big proponents of sourcing as much of our food locally as possibly. We belong to a meat CSA and we also get a weekly delivery of farm eggs from a local woman who raises hens. So we get a lot of eggs, which are a big staple in our diets. This morning, I made some scrambled with feta cheese from a dairy farm we go to. Nourishment for the body and soul.

This quote by Maya Angelou. A reminder today (and every day, to be honest) that I needed: that I come from tremendous resiliency.

Disclosure. I finally watched this Netflix documentary about transgender representations in film and TV last night after it was suggested to me by a friend. One stat that stuck out to me in the film was that 80% of the population has never met a transperson. When I was very young, an adult I knew and looked up to started to dress in men’s clothing. I vividly remember being young enough to have no filter for my curiosity and asking her one day why she had short hair and had started wearing clothes that boys wear. Her answer? I feel more comfortable this way. Her answer made as complete sense to me then as it does now: who doesn’t want to feel comfortable in their own skin or clothing? That was an early and formative memory, but I am grateful that my images of transgendered people growing up were not confined to the stereotypes that are so prevalent in the media but rather from real life. Trans Lives Matter, both on and off the screen. We have to keep doing better in asserting this fact.

Here’s to uplifting one another, both in times of need and in times of celebration.

-Michaela